Thursday, June 19, 2008

I've got the blues

I am having a really BLAH! day. I don't know what's going on with me but I've felt like I'm on the verge of crying all day long today! I know I've been really anxious about adoption lately. We've been waiting for almost 16 months now and the wait never really bothered me until the last few months. Sometimes it's all I can think about! I keep wondering..."Is it ever going to happen?" "Will anyone ever choose us?" "Are we supposed to be a family of three?" "How do we know when to give up?" "When should we throw in the towel?" "Is adoption really God's plan for our family?"

Someone on an adoption forum I often visit gave me a great idea to help me with that last question. She said that I should pray that if adoption is not what God has planned for us that He take that desire away from me. So I've been doing that lately, and...I don't really know. The desire for a child is still there but I've now started thinking about becoming pregnant again. It's been 2 years since I spoke to a Hemotologist about this and maybe there have been advances with medication I may be able to take. I'm currently waiting on a call back from my Hemotologist. (Of course the Hemotologist never said that I shouldn't become pregnant, they told us about medications which Dave and I were worried about at that time.) So now I've begun to obsess about this. But does this new idea of trying to get pregnant come from God or does it mean I'm tired of waiting or am I simply questioning God's plan?

So now I'm praying once again that God leads me to do HIS will (this is a recurring prayer for me). Should we look into my becoming pregnant? Should we continue to wait for our family to grow through adoption? Should we accept that we are a family of three and get on with life? Only God knows the answers. I'm praying that He guides us to the right path, His path. Please pray for us.

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