Yesterday started out pretty good. We couldn't go to church because Lexie wasn't feeling well but we made the most of it. The three of us cuddled in bed together and watched a couple shows on Animal Planet. Finally I got up and decided to put the second coat of paint on the living room walls. All went well until I was finishing up the second wall when suddenly I had the saddest feeling. I began to wonder if we'll ever really adopt. I felt so sad I almost started crying but I didn't. Instead I said a prayer that God take away our desire to adopt if that's not what He has planned for us. I asked that He guide us to His will for us, whatever that may be. So I went on with my painting (turned out GREAT by the way), but my heart still felt heavy.
At some point during the day I realized why this day, out of all the days, I was feeling so sad. It dawned on me that on this day, March 1st, I could no longer tell people we'd been waiting "almost 2 years," or even "2 years." We have now been waiting MORE than 2 years! We never thought it would take this long. When we started the adoption process (paperwork, meetings, homestudy, etc.) we told Lexie we might not adopt a baby until she was 7 years old. We said this so that she wouldn't expect us to bring home a baby brother or baby sister the next day. We told her that it would happen when God planned it to happen. But honestly, we were preparing her for the long wait that we really didn't think would happen. We thought, "we're a nice couple, a good family, good parents, certainly someone will pick us soon." Our case worker reaffirmed what we already thought when she said, "Oh, it will happen before THEN!!!" when we told her what we told Lexie. Yet here we are 2 years and 2 days later, still not being choosen.
It's so overwhelming when I think about waiting indefinately. I mean how long can I keep hoping. It's just soooo hard! Yet, I know if this IS what God has planned for our family the wait, any amount of wait, will be totally worth it! I just need to trust God and know that if it's not His plan for us that He will take that desire away from our hearts.
All that keeps going thru my head right now is some bible verse that says something like "those who wait in the hope of God." When I typed that in google I found a website Hope Is Real. Four bible verses really jumped out at me:
Psalm 39: 7 NIV "But now, Lord, what do I look for? My hope is in you."
Psalm 25:4,5 NLT "Show me the path where I should walk, O LORD; point out the right road for me to follow. Lead me by your truth and teach me, for you are the God who saves me. All day long I put my hope in you."
Isaiah 40:31NLT (one of my favorite bible verses) "But those who wait on the LORD will find new strength. They will fly high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint."
Jeremiah 29: 11 NLT "For I know the plans I have for you," says the LORD. "They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope."
So here I am today, officially waiting 2 years, 2 days and counting, but continuing to find MY hope in GOD.